How Do You Embrace Your Flaws? I´m Writing for My Life

 for the Creatives

by Mika Vonshá 

The truth is that I don´t know how to embrace my flaws. I don´t know how to stop looking for hairs to pluck out of my face or how to stop picking already damaged skin. I don´t know how to forgive myself when I yell at my children or go on a complaining rampage about a minuscule mistake they´ve made. The best thing I know how to do is write about it and share it with other humans because out of over eight billion people on the planet, there is no way I am alone in this. 

Crohn´s Disease Purple Ribbon

Last year, I watched an old video of myself and my children during a regular day. In the video, I scolded my son so harshly, I cried from the depths of my gut. During that time, I was already beating myself up about my inability to spend enough time with my children in their first years of life due to my battle with Crohn´s disease. Crohn´s disease is a chronic, extremely painful, and embarrassing irritable bowl disease. But no one prepares you for the mental challenges that come with the diagnosis and experiences of the disease. For years I struggled with feeling comfortable in social settings for fear that I might defecate on myself or that I would not be able to afford any additional activities like a random Saturday brunch due to my limited social security benefit being all I had to live and support my family off of. I also feared the awkwardness of explaining my diet or anxiety around eating offered foods. The pent up stress lead to my disapproval of self. I´d spend hours in the mirror picking at spots on my face. Somehow this made me feel better. I´d spend unknown amounts of time pulling out the back of my hair until it became bald and sore without ever being able to catch myself in the process. I drank liquor everyday and depended on it in social settings.

Even though I spent a lot of time in therapy, I still have yet to overcome the challenge of face picking, which I understand to be a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD). I ditched the hair pulling by opting for an undercut. I nixed the frequency of the angry outbursts through daily meditation. It makes sense to me why my daily habit of liquid courage felt good -- because I would become numb to everything else. Yet, picking at my skin has presented itself as the most challenging habit to bust. 

Perhaps I am trying to physically pluck out my flaws by picking at my face? While writing this blog post, I realize how ridiculous this all might sound to some. Those of whom may be wondering why I don´t just simply stop reaching for the tweezers or why I don´t go do something else instead. The truth is that there is something about it that brings a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. It certainly isn´t something I want to do, but it seems there is thrill in the discovery of a hair or rough spot as well as thrill in eliminating it.

It has nothing to do with beauty. In fact, picking at my face causes scars. I look at my face and dislike the scars only to then pick the scar tissue away to reveal raw skin. What am I doing to myself? Why am I doing this? 

While writing for my life, I understand that much of what I share may be considered too much for some. But my intention in writing for my life is to claim my freedom. In my attempt to embrace my flaws, I set the intention to allow myself to be all that I am no matter who is reading, watching, or listening. 

I am a black woman of Caribbean descent with spotted skin and Afro hair that turns red in the sun. I have large eyes and a crooked smile. I have a big butt and flat breasts. I have wide hips and long legs. I have the fingernails of a third grader. Some would say I have the voice of one too. I tell myself I love and accept myself. Some days, I believe it more than others. 

However, the struggles I have experienced in this body do not define me. I am not my body. I am not the color of my skin. I am not my ethnicity or heritage. I am not my past. I am not a diagnosis. I am more than a mother. I am more than an artist, writer, dancer, or musician. The only consistent thing I see is that I just am. 

In 2020, I adopted a new way of thinking -- a new belief -- a new agreement. I decided that I believe we are all perfect. Because I have my breath, I have everything I need to be thankful for. All of these so called flaws are just as they ought to be. They are the details of my life experiences showcasing themselves on the canvas that is my body. If Love is unconditional, and I truly believe that real Love is, then when we share our Love for one another, we must be acknowledging each others' perfection. When we take the time to acknowledge the I AM that lives within us all, we see that we are complete. We are whole and our cups are already full.

Love is abundant. It is Love we are to embrace. When we embrace Love, we realize that there are no flaws to begin with. 

I´m not saying that I have simply written this and ditched all of my bad habits. What I am saying is that I see my habits. I see where I have come from. I see where I am going. I see how my habits are affecting my life. I see that the way out is Love. I see that the way to Love is within.  

I share my past on this blog not to dwell there, but rather to transmute it. I believe in the power of writing as a tool of transformation. When I write about my past, my goal is to work it out into a new perspective. I am thankful for all of my experiences. I am even thankful for the things I presently wrestle with as I now understand that their sole purpose is to help mold me into the vessel of service that is needed for humanity. 

I don´t know who is reading this. I don´t know who is listening to my music or who will. I don´t even know if it will be appreciated by anyone else or not. I am, however, certain that this is what is working for me right now. I am embracing Love. I am embracing my WHOLE life. 

-with Love and Abundance

Mika Vonshá